


Why Naruto Shouldn't Train Alone

by Drindrak



Series: Drindrak's Naruto Crack!Fics [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Naruto screws the entire plot up, OOC, Sakura is a mad scientist who might just destroy the world one day, Sasuke hears voices, This is complete, also, and Kakashi is terrifying without his porn, everyone's, he slowly goes crazy because of them, it'll have serious moments occasionally, which just means it's funny af
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3852316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drindrak/pseuds/Drindrak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A.K.A.: Why Sakura shouldn't be a Mad Scientist, why Sasuke shouldn't hear voices, and why Kakashi needs his Icha Icha. "You see, Hokage-sama, there was this mishap with a Jutsu..." Crack fic and lots of OOC</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Naruto Screws With the Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto literally ruins everything with just a few gestures with his hands.

Uzumaki Naruto grumbled angrily under his breath as he stomped into his apartment. He had just graduated, but he was put on a team with that bastard Sasuke! He huffed and slammed the door behind him. An exact replica of him (a  _Shadow_ Clone, Naruto thought smugly) came running from the kitchen, a grin on his face.

"Boss!" Naruto grinned back.

"What's up?"

"We figured it out boss! That weird jutsu you copied from that Forbidden Scroll thing?" Naruto blinked, and thought back. He had been scouring the Forbidden Scroll of Sealing for another jutsu to show that traitor Mizuki, when he stumbled upon one that looked real cool. But it was all written in code- aside from the hand seals. Naruto wasn't able to try the seals before Iruka-sensei had found him, but he was able to copy them down! He  _knew_ bringing a pencil and a piece of paper with him was a good idea! His grin widened.

"For real?"

"Yeah! But we still don't quite understand it..." His clone pouted a little, and beckoned for Naruto to follow him into the kitchen. They sat with three other clones, and peered down at all the paper littering the table. Naruto winced at the sight of his horrible hand writing, but picked up the paper his clones pointed to. Naruto had to focus (and for him, that was really hard) a lot to understand what was written.

"Fuck With the Plot no Jutsu?" Naruto read aloud, eyebrows raised. He frowned at his clones. Were they pulling a prank on him? Nah, they wouldn't do that...

"That's the first of jutsu you gotta preform. The next is a few paragraphs down." Naruto looked to the bottom of the page, and his frown deepened.

"Make it Complete Crack no Jutsu?" Naruto let his frown slowly fade as he read the instructions. After a few tense minutes of silence, he shrugged. "Why the hell not!" He and his clones cheered loudly, before the original Naruto started executing the hand seals.


	2. Sakura Stifles Cackles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura falls asleep after reading and that poor defenseless Raccoon had no chance whatsoever.

Haruno Sakura felt the strong urge to cackle madly, despite being tired as hell, and it was not because of her Inner. In fact, she hadn't heard from her Inner in days, but she wasn't overly worried about the missing voice. Inner can take care of herself. Sakura yawned. She had stayed up late reading a book on the Sannin of Konoha, and had fallen asleep after finishing the section on Orochimaru. Which was pretty much the entire book itself since the traitorous Sannin had done the most messed up stuff she'd ever heard of. And then, when she awoke to the sound of her alarm ringing loudly at five in the morning, she just couldn't help but feel the urge to go out an dissect an innocent animal. Which would explain why she was currently in her parent's basement, cutting open a raccoon, all while trying to stifle the mad cackles that threatened to escape her.

"Sakura, honey, you're going to be late!" Her mother called down to her, making Sakura pause. Her make-shift scalpel (which was really just a butter-knife she had sharpened with a kunai) was poised to cut into the raccoon's eyes, in a horribly butchered form of lobotomy.  _'Late? For what?'_  Sakura thought back to yesterday as she put the scalpel off to the side of the dissection area.  _'Oh yeah! The second Genin test that Kakashi-sensei was gonna give us!'_  She sighed and pulled a white sheet over the dead animal.

"Coming mum!" She called up, as she began to put all of her tools away. She stuffed everything into a large knapsack before shunting said knapsack to the very back of the basement. She then meandered up to the kitchen, where she snagged a piece of toast off the table.

"Sakura, what were you using the basement for?" Her father asked, folding his newspaper. Sakura blinked and cocked her head to the side innocently.

"Nothing." Her father raised a brow, and his eyes flicked down to her dress.

"Uh-huh. Hun, if your gonna dissect animals, try not to get blood everywhere, okay?" Sakura blushed as she glanced down and spotted a large bloodstain. "And next time, ask your mother for tips. She was quite the... scientist, back in the day..."


	3. Sasuke Hears Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry Sasuke! Inner Saku- I-I mean Sasuke is here!

Uchiha Sasuke did not like the feeling he got when he awoke the next morning. Not. One. Bit. He shot out of bed, kunai in hand, at the chakra that suddenly appeared inside his room. His eyes narrowed as he glanced around, but didn't find anything wrong.  _'Must have been an Aburame ANBU's bugs again...'_  He shook his head. The ANBU that occasionally still watched over him, even years after the massacre, tended to be mostly tracking oriented teams, like a Hyuuga or an Aburame. He quickly put his kunai away as the chakra faded. He frowned at the window, in the direction he hoped his ANBU watchers were, as he passed by on his way to his closet. He shook his head again and started getting dressed. He tied his headband around his forehead, and admired himself in the mirror.

_'_ ** _Oh yes Sasuke, you're one sexy beast~'_** As soon as the thought came, Sasuke stiffened. That was  _not_ how he acted. He did  _not_ admire himself in the mirror like... like s-some pansy boy! He was an Uchiha dammit!  _'_ ** _I-I mean, damn Sasuke, you're looking like one hell of an avenger!'_** Although, now that he thought on it, that voice in his head was most definitely  _not_ his. It was too... girly. It sounded like him, yes, but it wasn't.  ** _'Oh, don't mind little ol' me!'_**

_'Who are you?! Why are you in my head!'_  Sasuke thought, because he knew that talking aloud to voices in your head was a bad sign. He sneaked a glance out the window and hoped any ANBU hadn't noticed his strange behaviour.

**_'Ah, well, you see, that's a hard question to answer. But the most simple explanation is thus: I am your Inner Saku- I-I mean Sasuke!'_**  Sasuke felt his eyebrow twitch at the cheerful tone his 'Inner' used. ** _'I'm the personification of all those happy, fun, lovey-dovey emotions you bottled up!'_**

_'L-Lovey-dovey?! Get out of my head!'_


	4. Kakashi Can't Read His Books

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor, poor Kakashi...

Hatake Kakashi sighed as he ran his hands over the spines of his books on his bookshelf. He glanced at the clock sitting on the stand by his bed and nodded. His newest Genin team should be waiting for him at the training grounds. He looked back at his books and pulled one out, a soft giggle escaping him as he opened it. He had a few hours to waste.  _'Hanako groaned as her skilled lover, Jinya, ran his hands down her chest, pushing open her thighs before touch-'_  A sharp pain came from his eye and Kakashi stopped reading to lightly rub it. He must be tired. He couldn't remember getting a good night's sleep, ever since his father's suicide. Kakashi shook his head and returned his attention to his book.  _'Hanako gasped and arched up as Jinya used his thumb to flick-'_  The rest of the sentence blurred. Kakashi frowned and blinked a few times.  _' "J-Jinya!" Hanako cried, as he began suckling her br-'_  The pain from before came back and Kakashi's frowned deepened.

"This is ridiculous!" He growled. He flipped the page and tried to read more.  _' Jinya grabbed her legs and threw them over his shoulder, as he positioned his member to pene-'_  Kakashi groaned and dropped his book, reaching up to rub his eye. He apparently couldn't read the best parts of his favourite novels. He sighed and looked at his clock. He was an hour late to meet his Genin. If he couldn't read right now, he might as well head off to test his Genin. He'll try again later.


	5. Well, Hokage-sama, You See...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A.K.A.: Hiruzen is informed eventually, Inner 'Sasuke' causes Sasuke to develop a God-Complex, Team 7 passes, Kakashi just might pout a little, Sakura scares their C-Rank Client, and Naruto's... Naruto.

**9:00 AM, Training Ground 3**

"ALRIGHT!" Naruto shouted, throwing a fist in the air, as he entered the training area. Sasuke was already there, leaning against a tree, an annoyed look on his face and a hand rubbing forehead. Naruto glanced around. "Sasuke! Where's Sakura-chan!" Sasuke made a rude gesture with his free hand. He was just not ready to deal with both his new annoying _Inner-_ _ **'HEY! I'M NOT ANNOYING JACKASS!'-**_ and Naruto at the same time. Naruto growled low in his throat.

"Naruto?" The blond twisted on his heel and grinned at his pink-haired teammate. _**'You should fight them Sasuke-chan!'**_ Sasuke's new Inner shouted into his mind, making the Uchiha wince. Naruto ignored the large bloodstains on Sakura's new white lab coat ( _and Sasuke really hoped that shirt had been red to begin with_ ), and jumped at her, readying for a hug.

"SAKURA-CHAN!" Sakura blinked tiredly before dodging his flying hug.

"Naruto." She nodded at him.

"Sakura-chan." Naruto nodded back.

"Naruto." Sakura gave him a small smile.

"Sakura-CHAN!" Naruto grinned at her.

"Naruto." Sakura smoothed down her new lab coat.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto adjusted his now oddly sparkly headband.

"Naruto!" Sakura clasped her hands together and swooned lovingly.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto got down on one knee, his arms open towards her.

"Naruto!" Sakura fake-fainted into his arms.

"Ugh?" Sasuke grunted. His head hurt as he tried to follow their 'conversation'. _**'I found it easy Sasu-chan!'**_ His Inner shouted. Naruto and Sakura nodded at the same time before dissolving to giggles at Sasuke's confused, annoyed, and pained grunt. Sasuke sighed and ran a hand down his face. "You're both idiots." Sakura jumped to her feet at that.

"HEY!" She shouted, startling the Uchiha. "I'll have you know, Sasuke- _kun_ ," The way she sarcastically dragged the _kun_ made him raise a brow. "that I am a _Mad Genius-slash-Scientist!_ So fuck you!" She glared at him, which just made his eyebrow raise more. It didn't help that his Inner was shouting, _**'Raise that brow higher sexy!'**_ over and over. Sakura bristled angrily. "GAH! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?" She pointed at Sasuke's brow, which made it raise more, almost disappearing into his headband completely. "I'm serious! How can you, a mere peasant," Once again, Sasuke's brow raised even higher. "compared to my brilliance, at least," Sasuke almost rolled his eyes. "do something so ridiculously cool that not even I, a ridiculously brilliant Mad Scientist, cannot!" Sasuke smirked. _'Obviously,'_ He thought, _'I'm more brilliant than you.'_ _**'DO IT! SAY IT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! You are immortal! Kick her ass!'**_ Sasuke felt himself twitch at the voice, but allowed himself to say,

"I guess I'm just more brilliant than you." That made Naruto gasp in horror.

"BLASPHEMY!" Sasuke sighed dramatically before responding,

"It's true Dobe. I, Uchiha Sasuke, am more brilliant than the self-proclaimed Mad Genius-slash-Scientist, Haruno Sakura."

"I'LL KILL YOU UCHIHA!" Sakura screeched, launching across the clearing, hands outstretched to choke said Uchiha to death. Sasuke rolled away from her and smirked arrogantly once he was on two feet. _**'You are the Uchiha God! Destroy her! MWAHAHAHA!'**_ His inner did have a point...

"You can't even touch me, you mortal fool!"

"MORTAL! WHO ARE YOU CALLING MORTAL!" Sakura shrieked, throwing one of her make-shift scalpels at him, which he easily dodged. Sasuke chuckled and pointed at her.

"I am calling _you_ mortal, you MORTAL!" Sasuke frowned and brought a hand to his chin to simulate a 'thinking' pose. "After all, you _are_ mortal, right?" Sakura glared, but nodded.

"Only for a little while Uchiha! I will find the secret to immortality! I will become immortal!" Sasuke glared at her and hissed out,

"Never! I will be immortal before you!" Naruto, who had been sitting off to the side watching the fight with amusement, jumped to his feet.

"Well guess what Sakura-chan, Teme!" He shouted, drawing their attention. "I already have a head-start!" Both of their glares turned on him. " _I_ have an _immortal_ giant-ass fox sealed in my gut! Beat that, 'ttebayo!" He grinned triumphantly at their dumbfounded looks.

"BULLSHIT!" Sakura called, pointing at the blond. "I CALL BULLSHIT! NO WAY! The only giant-ass fox to attack Konoha attacked 12 years ago on Octo...ber...10th..." She trailed off as she realized just _who's_ birthday that happened to be. Her eyes widened. "My god."

"Yes?" Sasuke asked, though he was ignored as Sakura launched herself at Naruto and wrapped her arms around his midsection.

"Teach me oh great immortal fox!" She shouted at the blond's stomach, making him blush.

"S-Sakura-chan?" Naruto stuttered as she lifted his jumpsuit jacket and mesh shirt up to press an ear to his navel, where the seal that held the fox back appeared.

"Hush Naruto! I must listen for his great whispers!"

"U-Uh, Sakura-chan? I, um, I'm the only one who can hear him." Sakura leaned away from him and frowned.

"Only you? Damn, I wanted to share my research." She frowned and sat back. "Hm, I guess I just need to create a device that grants me the ability to listen for, what the devil is the thing in you called aside from giant-ass fox?"

"The Kyuubi? A Bijuu?"

"Yes, yes, I simply must create a device that will allow communication with the Bijuu if they happen to be sealed within a tiny human construct such as yourself!" Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"OI! WHO ARE YOU CALLIN-" He was cut off Sakura leaping to her feet, her thinking smirk having turned into one of malicious glee.

"HUSH TINY BLOND HUMAN!" Sakura shouted. "I MUST GO CREATE! Tell Kakashi-sensei-" She turned mid-sentence and bumped into Kakashi, who had appeared in a swirl of smoke and leaves.

"Tell me what, Sakura?" The pink-haired Genin looked up into the smiling face of her sensei and grinned.

"Kakashi-sensei! Good, you're here! I just need to leave for four to six hours to create a device to talk to the Bijuu sealed in Naruto's gut! I will be back!" She made to run off again, but was caught by Kakashi, who had grabbed onto the back of her lab coat.

"Sorry Sakura, but your final test starts _right now._ If you leave, everyone here fails." Sakura looked at the hopeful blond and glaring Uchiha, and shrugged.

"Yeah, whatever, I'll see you in four to six hours!" She, once again, made to run, but was, once again, stopped by Kakashi.

"No Sakura. I am your Jounin-sensei, and I command you to stay and finish the test!" Sakura crossed her arms and pouted.

"Fine, I'll stay." She then leveled Sasuke with a glare. "I am not doing this for you, Uchiha! This is about my pride as a Mad Genius Scientist!" Sasuke scoffed and brushed imaginary dirt off his clothes.

"A mere mortal scientist can never hope to beat an Uchiha God." He paused for a second. _**'You mean**_ _the_ _ **Uchiha God.'**_ He nodded. "No, make that _the_ Uchiha God."

"You can't just retract your statement, _after_ you said it!" Sakura shouted, making Sasuke shrug.

"Hey, I'm the Uchiha God, remember? I told you like five seconds ago." He shoved his hands into his pockets and smirked, his eyes narrowing in challenge. "I can do whatever I want, _mortal._ "

"THAT'S IT!" Once again, the pink-haired Genin launched herself across the field at the smirking Uchiha, and knocked him to the ground, where they began wrestling. Kakashi sighed and rubbed his visible eye before taking out his precious orange book. His eye scanned the sentences there, and, just as he reached a rather _hot_ scene, the entire page blurred and a sharp pain erupted in his eye.

"Ugh." He groaned, closing his eye. Naruto, who had been watching Sasuke and Sakura fight, looked up at him and grinned.

"What's the final test Kakashi-sensei?" Kakashi shrugged and patted his belt, where two small bells hung. Though, it was odd that they didn't ring... Kakashi frowned and cracked open an eye.

"You gotta get these bells from me." He glanced down at his belt and raised a brow. The bells were missing.

"You mean these ones!" He heard Sakura call out from across the field. His head snapped up to look at her. The pink-haired Genin was kneeling on Sasuke's chest, slightly out of breath, one hand holding his bells up to him, and the other holding a... _was that a butter knife?!_ "I grabbed them when you were stopping me earlier!" She smirked down at the scowling Uchiha beneath her and dangled a bell just above his nose. "Did you want one Sasuke-kun?"

"Give me that bell mortal!" Sasuke swiped at the bells, but Sakura raised them just out of his reach.

"You gotta try harder than that Sasuke-kun! C'mon, they're right-" Sasuke's hand blurred forward and snatched one of the bells, effectively cutting her off mid-sentence. "Hey!" The Uchiha pushed her off of him as he stood, an arrogant smirk lighting up his face.

"Heh, stupid mortal! This bell is mine now!" Sakura shot to her feet with a growl.

"GIVE THAT BACK UCHIHA!" Sasuke thought about sticking his tongue out, but decided against it as he was an Uchiha, and Uchiha didn't do something so childish. Instead he settled for letting his smirk widen.

"No." He dropped into an defensive Taijutsu stance, stuffing the bell into his pocket. "Come and get it." Sakura bristled and turned to Naruto.

"Naruto! Hold onto this for me!" She threw her bell at the blond, who fumbled to catch it before it dropped to the ground. With a nod she turned back to Sasuke and raised her fists. "Bring it Uchiha!" Kakashi sighed as both Genin shot forward, meeting with a volley of punches and kicks. He opened his book and scowled at the still blurred writing.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei?" He looked at the only Genin not fighting and raised a brow in question. "Well, we each held a bell for at least a few seconds, so, uh..." The blond raised his bell. "did we pass?" Kakashi stared at the bell, before looking at the fight. He sighed again and nodded. Naruto grinned wide and whooped loudly, making his teammates stop fighting for a second to find out what happened. "WE PASSED DATTEBAYO!" Sakura used Sasuke's distraction to grab the bell from his pocket. She leaped away from him with a triumphant laugh.

"HAHA! TAKE THAT UCHIHA!" Kakashi sighed again and turned away.

"Tell your teammates to meet up at the mission office at ten o'clock tomorrow." Naruto nodded and Kakashi disappeared with a puff of smoke.

* * *

**1:00 PM, the Haruno Family Basement, Sakura's 'Laboratory'  
**

* * *

Sakura made a small note with her pencil in the margin of a slightly bloodied piece of paper. The paper had a small recreation of Naruto's seal on it, and tiny arrows with even tinier notes pointing at different parts of it. She scowled at the seal.

"Why's this so damn hard!" She slammed her pencil down and reached for her make-shift scalpel. _'I'll take a break for now and finish my dissection...'_ She turned to the table behind her, a slightly decomposed raccoon laying on it, chest flayed open. Sakura poked at one of it's organs and frowned, glancing back at her notes. "Dammit! The communicator is a much more fun idea!" She scurried back to her desk and picked up her pencil. "Maybe if I had a fox or two here, I could see how they communi..." She trailed off, eyes widening. "THAT'S IT!" She quickly shucked off the plastic apron she'd liberated from her mother's closet, and rushed upstairs. "MOTHER!" She shouted, going room to room. "Mum! Where are you!"

"Outside dear!" She heard her mother shout from the backyard. Sakura ran out and skidded to a stop a few feet from her mother and father, who were sitting on the grass enjoying a drink of sake. Sakura took a few breaths before spewing out,

"Mother! Where can I get a fox on short notice, no questions asked?" Her mother blinked at the question before rattling off the address to one of the old warehouses on the other side of Konoha. Sakura memorized the address quickly and nodded. "Thanks mum, see you later!" She then jumped onto the neighbour's roof before rushing off to the address. Her parents stared after her with proud expressions.

"See Mebuki, I told you she was into the family trade." Kizashi said, making his wife smile.

"I never doubted you dear. How about we pop down to the lab and see what she's been up to?"

* * *

Sakura jumped down outside the warehouse her mother listed off and panted. _'Note to self,'_ She thought, gulping in air. _'train stamina.'_ With a nod to herself, she straightened her lab coat and entered.

"Hello?" She called, tilting her head to avoid a senbon. An older man with graying black hair stepped from the shadows and nodded at her.

"Mebuki's kid?" Sakura blinked and nodded. The man gestured for her to follow. "What do you need?" He asked, pulling open a rusted door.

"What are you selling?"

"Animals, animal parts, botanical ingredients, a few different seals; fire, smoke, exploding, sealing tags; and..." He eyed her lab coat. "certain equipment you might find handy."

"I need two foxes, a couple of weak exploding tags, some sealing tags, and I need a whole whack of lab equipment. Scalpels, x-ray machines, tables, the whole works." The man nodded and lead her to a crate.

"We can get the foxes right away, along with the tags, but the equipment's gonna take a while." He ripped open a crate and grabbed two small boxes. "These are the tags. We'll have the foxes delivered to... you live with Mebuki?" Sakura nodded. "Then we'll deliver the foxes and lab equip, when it comes, there. The foxes should be there within a half hour." Sakura took the boxes from him and followed him back out to the front of the warehouse. "We'll charge the bill to Mebuki, as we don't accept minors as buyers." Sakura nodded.

"I completely understand." He walked over to a slightly crooked desk in the corner, grabbed something, and came back.

"Alright, here's the bill. Tell Mebuki that it's half-off because you're a first time customer." Sakura smiled and snatched the bill.

"I will." She took a glance around. "I'll be back if I need anything."

* * *

**1:30 PM, Uchiha Complex, Sasuke's Room**

* * *

Sasuke sat on a soft dark blue mat in the middle of his sitting room, having shunted the furniture off to the side to make room for his meditation. He took a deep breath, holding for about ten seconds, before exhaling slowly. He reached, mentally, towards his navel, and let his chakra swirl lazily through his limbs, relaxing his tense muscles. He hummed contently.

_**'WASSUP BITCH?!'**_ Sasuke shot to his feet and scrambled for a kunai, only to realize that no one was in his room and that it was probably his annoying Inner who said that.

" _What,_ " Sasuke hissed through clenched teeth, sitting back down on his mat. "do you want?" He swore he felt his Inner shrug.

_**'Nothin'. You're just being too still, go out and train, maybe pillage a bit, hunt squirrels, fight other Genin, just DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS STUPID RELAXING SHIT!'**_ Sasuke felt his eye twitch as he settled into a semi-relaxing state.

"I'm not hunting _squirrels_ nor will I _pillage."_

_**'Then go train! You like training, don'tcha? GO ALREADY!'**_ Sasuke sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I am meditating. That _is_ training."

_**'No way! It's boring! You need to go do something else before I die of boredom, god!'**_ Sasuke couldn't help the part of his mind that popped in with,

_'You mean, Sasuke.'_ His eye twitched again as his Inner giggled. _'Maybe,'_ Sasuke thought, standing up. _'if I train very, very hard, I'll pass out and won't have to listen to Inner's stupid thoughts.'_

* * *

**9:30 PM, Hokage Tower, Hiruzen's Office**

* * *

Sarutobi Hiruzen was, admittedly, rather amused as Naruto used wild gestures to describe passing his final Genin test. Kakashi was leaning against the door, head in his hands, book semi-open in front of him. He tuned back into Naruto's explanation as the blond's expression changed to confusion.

"-but, ah, like Sakura-chan and Sasuke-teme, they were so _weird!_ 'ttebayo!" Naruto made vague gestures to his head. "It was like they were possessed or somethin'! Sakura-chan _fought_ the teme 'cause he kept calling her mortal! A-And they didn't freak out about the Kyuubi!" Naruto frowned. "Well, Sakura-chan did, kinda, get even weirder when I mentioned the fox 'ttebayo." Hiruzen sat up straighter in his chair.

"Oh?"

"She, uh she..." The blond flushed and fidgeted. "s-she hugged me a-and wanted to talk to the fox. She said she was gonna build a communicator thingy to speak with it!" Hiruzen raised a brow. "She was dressed like a scientist and she was actin' all crazy ttebayo!" Hiruzen glanced at Kakashi, who shrugged. "Her and the teme kept goin' on about being immortal or something!"

"I see." Hiruzen leaned forward and clasped his hands together, his eyes narrowing at the nervous blond. "Naruto, _what did you do._ " Naruto yelped and ducked his head.

"N-Nothing!"

" _Naruto._ " The blond scratched his cheek.

"T-There were these c-cool soundin' jutsu in that scroll thing I st-stole and I, um, may have tried it out...?" Hiruzen glared.

"Naruto, _what_ were those jutsu _called._ "

"F-Fuck With the Plot no Jutsu and M-Make it Complete Crack no J-Jutsu?" Hiruzen slapped a hand to his forehead and groaned.

"Dammit Naruto! Those jutsu were incomplete! You could have killed us all!" Naruto flinched back and nodded vigourously. Hiruzen sighed. "Unfortunately, there is no way to reverse the effects. We just have to let the jutsu run its course." Kakashi stepped forward.

"How long will it take, Hokage-sama?" Hiruzen shrugged lightly.

"It could last one more week, or it could last for the next twenty years. It's incomplete." Kakashi's eye widened, before his lower lip jutted out, and Hiruzen's eyes widened briefly. "Are... are you pouting, Kakashi?" Kakashi turned his head to the side.

"N-No."

* * *

**1 Week Later, 11:30 AM, Hokage Tower, Missions Office**

* * *

"Let's see..." Hiruzen started, shuffling through the many D-Rank mission scrolls that Iruka handed him. Team Seven stood before him, Sasuke looking into the distance and mouthing something to himself, Kakashi frowning heavily and his eyes rimmed purple from lack of sleep, Sakura cackling softly to herself while scribbling on a piece of paper, and Naruto being... Naruto. Hiruzen pulled three D-Ranks out of the pile. "we have weeding a garden, painting a fence, or catching the Daimyo's wife's ca-"

"NO NO NO NO!" Naruto shouted. "I don't want any of those baby missions! I'm a ninja! A NINJA! I'm not a student anymore!" The blond's blue eyes seemed to glow in determination and some anger. "Give me a real mission already Old Man!"

"NARUTO!" Iruka shouted, raising a fist. "Show the Hokage the proper respect!" Hiruzen sighed and got his pipe out from his robe pocket.

"It's alright Iruka." He said, lighting the pipe and inhaling the smoke. "Naruto, you have been a Genin for all of a week. Your team is no where near ready for even a low C-Rank." Naruto pouted. "But..." Hiruzen started, drawing the blond's hopeful gaze. "we do have a C-Rank available... if you want to test your skills."

"YES! YES YES YES!" Naruto threw a fist into the air. "We'll take it!" Hiruzen ignored Iruka's incredulous gaze and signed off on the C-Rank scroll. He held it out to Kakashi, who accepted it with a shake of his head. "Send in the bridge builder!" Hiruzen called, and the door opened to reveal a drunk older man. The man leaned against the door frame and sipped from his bottle of sake.

"These are the brats hired to protect me?" He hiccuped and frowned. "Wha's with the pinkie? She writing a novel or sumthin'?" Sakura glanced up at the man, and ran her eyes over his body.

"Nah," She started, tucking her papers into her pocket. She got out one of her make-shift scalpels. "I was just writing down where I'll start when our living autopsy begins." She smirked, the smirk making Hiruzen furrow his brows at the familiarity, and began slowly walking towards the bridge builder. The man stepped back and raised his arms.

"DON'T KILL ME!" Sakura chuckled and raised the scalpel higher.

"Sakura." Kakashi said, barely glancing at the pink-haired girl. Sakura pouted and turned to her sensei.

"But sseeeensssseeeeeeeei!" She whined.

"No."

"B-But ssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeenssssssseeeeeeeeeeei!" Kakashi glared at her.

" _No._ "


End file.
